I've heard it in the chillest land-
And on the strangest Sea-
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of Me."
~ Emily Dickinson ~

"Hopes to Achieve" is a little bit of a misleading title for this section. *s* When you see that, you may think..."Oh great, here she is going to go on and on about how she wants to save the world, make lots of money, become famous, etc." Ah, but that is not the case, for I hope to achieve a very personal, private goal for myself, which has nothing to do with the above (and none of which I want to do, with the possible exception of saving the world...*s*)

"Why do you worry so much?"
"Why are you so afraid?"
Questions I have asked myself often, and which, for most of my life, I didn't have answers to. Good news, though...I do know the answer now...in my late teens, I was diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and panic disorder. In general, OCD and panic disorder aren't really well-known about by the general public, although recent media articles have begun to focus attention on them, especially OCD. And often, the media's explanation is very difficult for people to understand, because neither disorder makes a whole lot of sense to the rational person. So, here I hope to explain it a little bit, provide some resources for others who may have OCD or would like more information on it, and yes, to state what I hope to achieve. *s*

In short, OCD causes a person to focus obsessively on certain thoughts or ideas which bother them, and this leads to a panicked feeling. In order to relieve the panicky feeling, the person then performs certain actions over and over to take their mind off the thought or idea that is bothering them. (This is a very, very simple explanation of it.) Both the obsessive thoughts and the compulsive behaviors can take many forms and can range from very mild cases to severe cases. In some cases, people may just have the obsessive thoughts without the compulsions...but they usually go hand in hand. I think the easiest way to explain it would be to give you an example of my obsessions and compulsions...so here goes. *s*

I am what's known as a moderate "checking/repeating/ordering" OCD person...this refers to the types of actions I take. My obsessive thoughts generally center around the idea that something bad will happen to me or the people I love if I don't do everything "just right"...sometimes the compulsion makes sense (i.e. I check to see if the door is locked numerous times = prevents someone from breaking in), and sometimes the compulsion has no connection whatsoever to anything...I just have a really "bad feeling" if I don't do the compulsion (i.e. I must pick the third spoon/fork/knife out of the stack in the silverware drawer). Now, the really annoying thing about OCD is that logically, I know this behavior is, well, silly, and part of me knows that it really won't make any difference whether I do it or not...and part of me really doesn't want to do it...it sure does take up a lot of time and energy. But the nagging thoughts and panicky feeling are incredibly difficult to ignore and often outweigh my logical side.

I have been on various anti-depressants to try and help me with the OCD, which do help to a certain degree...basically I do the compulsive actions less often and a fewer number of times...but I still do them. My OCD tends to get really bad during stressful situations, and lessens when my life is relatively calm. Since OCD is both biological and behavioral, I will probably need to perform some kind of behavioral therapy in order to "train" myself not to respond to panic. Each day is a trial...but it is also a new beginning. So, what I hope to achieve is to win my fight against OCD and not be afraid anymore. I am very lucky to have a family and wonderful friends who understand that I have this and are willing to help me with it.

Below are some links to some wonderful sites that are a good source of information about OCD. If you have OCD, or know someone who does, and would like to talk to me about it, please leave a message in my guestbook. *s*

OC and Spectrum Disorders Association
The Obsessive-Compulsive Place
Pale Reflections